What It Takes
by WriteOnWhite
Summary: Everyone around Lexie seem to be moving forward with their lives. Everyone but her. On top of it all she finds out that she might not have much time left to live. But what she thinks is the end might be the start of something beautiful as she soon finds out what a big support system she really has. Her friends and family are doing everything in their power to save her.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **Everyone around Lexie seem to be moving forward with their lives. Everyone but her. On top of it all she finds out that she might not have much time left to live. But what she thinks is the end might be the start of something beautiful as she soon finds out what a big support system she really has. Her friends and family are doing everything in their power to save her.

**This takes place towards the end of season eight. Everything that has happened on the show has happened here too. Mark is with Julia, Meredith and Derek have Zola. The only difference is that Lexie is not with Jackson, never have , never will. He's destined for April.**

* * *

Lexie felt the dizziness return as she walked down the stairs. She slowed down and tried to shake it off. It didn't help much. When she walked into the kitchen she was greeted by Derek who was making himself a sandwich by the counter. There was an ounce of worry in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah", she nodded and tried to force a smile.

"You just look a little pale, that's all", he continued.

"No, I... didn't sleep much last night."

That was true. In fact she hadn't slept well for weeks. She couldn't understand where this sudden insomnia had come from. Maybe it was because Mark was with Julia, because as much as she tried not to think about that, it still bothered her. Maybe it was because everyone around her seemed to have a life while she was stuck living in the attic of her sister's house without a boyfriend or a real plan for the future.

She noticed herself drifting off into her thoughts and looked up to see Derek's gaze lingering at her, unconvinced. She smiled reassuringly and joined him at the counter. Looking at the food she realized that she wasn't hungry at all. Instead she poured herself a glass of juice before she went out to her car and drove to work.

* * *

"Little Grey!" Miranda Bailey yelled across the ER. "Stop being lazy and get over here! We've got patients to take care of!"

Lexie rushed across the ER as fast as she could. She didn't feel like she was on top of her game today. Her body was sore, but she couldn't understand why. And the hectic day was exhausting. She tried to remember if it always was this tiring.

If she would have thought about it, I'm sure she would have figured it out. After all, she was a doctor. But Bailey was screaming at her so she didn't have time to think about why running across the ER was so exhausting. She didn't have time to think about why the ground seemed to move under her, or why her vision was blurry. Not until she couldn't see at all anymore. She was pretty sure she felt someone catch her, but she didn't have control over her body so she let herself drift off.

* * *

Bailey cursed to herself. Not again! Why was something always happening to the doctors in this hospital? First there had been that incident with the bomb and the ferryboat accident, both in which the older Grey had almost died. Then there was Izzie's cancer, and O'Malley's death. After that there was a shooting, leaving many of her people dead or injured. And now there was something wrong with Lexie. If there wasn't anything wrong with her interns then you could bet there was something wrong with her interns' friends or husbands or sisters... This was too much. Her fears were confirmed, this place was really cursed.

As she put an IV-needle into Lexie's arm, she began to wake up. Bailey sighed and looked at her with compassion.

"What's wrong with me?" Lexie asked with obvious fear in her voice. It was barely more than a whisper.

"You tell me", Bailey answered her. "I assume you've been having symptoms for quite a while."

Lexie didn't have to think for long before she was able to give herself a diagnosis. She was tired and short of breath. She had a complete lack of appetite and she was pretty sure she was running a fever. Her body was sore and when she pulled up the gown she was now wearing she could she bruises spread across her abdomen. She never bruised that easily.

She laid her head back down on the pillow and looked up at Bailey.

"Leukemia", she said, tears in her eyes.

All Bailey could do was nod.

"We don't know how bad it is yet, but there is a high number of abnormal cells in your blood, and while you were out we did a biopsy of your bone marrow to prove it. Now, we're taking you for a PET-scan too see if it's metastasized. Is there anyone you want me to page?"

"No..." Lexie shook her head and wiped a tear from her eye before it run down her face. "No, it's fine. We can do it after the scan."

"Okay, if you say so..." Bailey said and left the room to go book the scan.

* * *

They were almost done when Derek walked into the room in which Bailey was observing Lexie's scan. She tensed up when he slumped down into the chair next to her.

"Are you done here soon?" he asked. "Because I need this room after you. St. Claire Hospital sent over this tumor patient. He has an Ependymoma the size of a baseball. I've never seen anything like it. You should..."

He trailed off when he suddenly saw the patient.

"Is that..?" He didn't finish the sentence but Bailey nodded.

"She collapsed in the ER a while ago. We examined her bone marrow... It showed that she has Leukemia."

Derek's chocked expression almost got her to tear up.

"What kind is it?" he asked.

"Acute Myeloid Leukemia", she mumbled and gave him a sad look.

Just then, images appeared on the screen.

"Oh god", Derek let out in a whisper.

Bailey inhaled deeply and scrutinized the scans. There seemed to be metastases everywhere, the biggest ones on her lymph nodes and kidneys. There were no words to describe it. They both knew the severity of what they saw.

"You should probably... page Meredith", Bailey said and blinked a couple of times to keep herself from crying. Then she went into Lexie's part of the room and helped her out of the machine and into a wheelchair.

She did her best to hide her emotions, but she knew that they shone through when she saw Lexie's expression.

"Was it that bad?"

_Keep it together_, she thought to herself. _She doesn't need you to get all emotional. That part she takes care of all too well herself._

"You are gonna be fine!" she said and put her hand on Lexie's shoulder. "This is Seattle Grace, one of the best hospitals in the country, in the world even! We have a great oncology department and all your friends are doctors. If anyone will be fine, that's gonna be you! Do you understand me?"

Lexie looked away.

"Can I see them?"

She looked back at Bailey, who was resistant to let the young woman see the her own fate, but who couldn't refuse it to those pleading eyes. So she nodded and wheeled her out into the other room, where Derek was still looking at the scans.

Lexie looked at the screen in silence. She may not have finished her residency yet, but she knew an extreme case when she saw it, and she began to panic.

"So is that it?" she said and turned to look at Derek. Her voice trembled as she continued. "Will I die now, like this? Because that's just... wrong! I mean, I'm 27! And the odds of getting Leukemia under the age of 64 is like 0.31 percent! That's nothing! This can't be happening to me! Not now!"

Derek stopped her rambling by putting an arm around her shoulders.

"I'm sorry", he murmured. "But this is not over yet. You can still fight it. Okay?"

She inhaled sharply and nodded.

"Do you want me to call Mark?" he asked her.

She quickly jerked away from him.

"No!" she said and wiped the tears off her face. "He's with Julia."

"That doesn't mean he doesn't care about you", he tried but Lexie shook her head.

"It just feels kinda wierd to call him now, about something like this. It's not like we've been in touch much lately."

"Okay", Derek nodded. "If you don't want me to then I won't do it."

He gave her a short smile and then the room once again filled with silence. Bailey was the first one to speak again.

"Let's go back to your room and discuss a treatment plan."


	2. Chapter 2

The cafeteria was crowded and noisy.

"Dude, it's like a freaking daycare center", Alex sighed and took a big bite of his sandwich.

"No, Zola's daycare is peaceful and quiet!" Meredith laughed.

"Do these people have nothing better to do than hang around the cafeteria and gossip all day?" Cristina rolled her eyes and gave the noisy interns a couple of tables away a look of contempt. "It's hard to imagine these people actually want to become surgeons!"

"Come on, we used to be just like them", Meredith smiled at her friend. "Have a little compassion."

"I was not like them", Cristina said in a low voice, then added a smile. "I was brilliant."

"Get over yourself Yang!" Alex said and glared at her.

Before Cristina got the chance to answer Meredith's pager went off. Her face lit up when she saw it was Derek, which made Cristina raise her eyebrows.

"Seriously?" she said with an edge of sarcasm in her voice. "I thought your days as a slutty intern were over."

"Cristina!" Meredith half-yelled, but she couldn't keep herself from smiling. "Derek does not want sex every time that he pages me!"

"Oh, I've seen you two sneak into on-call rooms", she answered. "Don't pretend like you haven't."

After a last smile towards her friends she stood up and hurried out of the cafeteria. Once outside she slowed down a little. She did not want to be a slutty intern. Still, though she hated admitting it to herself, she felt overjoyed and light as a feather walking through the halls to the oncology wing from which the page had come from. She opened the door to see Derek standing with his back towards her, his hair perfect as always.

"Hey there", she said with a smile.

A smile that died and was replaced by confusion when he turned around and she saw his serious expression. His eyes were filled with fear and devastation and... was that tears?

"What's wrong?" she asked and walked up to him.

He turned to the wall. Hanging there were several scans of someones abdomen. Metastases were spread across it in larger numbers than she had ever seen. This was practically a dead man walking.

"That doesn't look too hopeful", she said, unable to tear her eyes from the scans. "Is this why you paged me? You want me to give them the news?"

When he didn't answer she turned to look at him. He had the same expression as before when he looked deeply into her eyes.

"Those are Lexie's."

Her reaction was a little slow. At first she just looked at him, but then she realized what he had just said.

"What?" That was all she could say.

Derek sighed.

"She collapsed this morning and they immediately ran a blood test..."

"Wait a second!" she interrupted. "She collapsed? Why don't I get to hear about these things?"

"She didn't want to page anyone", he mumbled. "The blood test showed that she had leukemic cells in her blood, so they did a bone marrow biopsy that confirmed Acute Myeloid Leukemia."

Meredith shook her head.

"No, that's not possible. Leukemia doesn't spread like that!" she said, gesticulating at the scans.

"Hers has."

She stopped contradicting and let her gaze wander back to the scans. She took deep breaths to calm herself down, but she could feel her heart thumping at an abnormal speed inside of her chest. The longer she looked at those pictures, those damned pictures that were killing her sister, the more hopeless she felt. Lexie was dying.

"Meredith." Derek's voice broke through her bubble and she flinched a little before she turned to him. "We are gonna try to treat her. There's a chance that she will be completely fine. There's a chance that..."

"Derek!" she interrupted him, her voice a little less steady than she had hoped. "I'm a surgeon! I know what her chances are!"

She could feel the tears now, threatening to come rushing. Before he could tell her any more devastating news she turned around and stormed out of the room.

Lexie was dying, she was absolutely certain of that.

* * *

"So, what would you say my chances are?" Lexie asked Bailey, who for some reason had stuck around all day. "Like an estimation in percentage. How big is the chance that I'll live?"

Bailey thought for a moment,

"Well, you are a rare case", she said, considering her words carefully. "so I'd suggest we don't make an estimation. We'll start you up on chemotherapy. Based on how much the tumors shrink we'll see weather we need to treat you with radiation or not. Then we'll see what happens and hope for the best."

Lexie couldn't help but to sigh dejectedly at the absurd situation she was in. To _hope for the best _is what they told patients who they knew didn't stand a chance. That was her life now. The only thing she could do was to hope for the best.

"How are you feeling?" Bailey asked with concern.

"I'm fine", Lexie asked her, forcing yet another smile.

Bailey crinkled her eyebrows and toughened up the tone of her voice.

"That was not a rhetorical question!"

"Fine, I feel like crap."

Bailey nodded.

"That's what I thought."

The door opened and revealed Derek, catching his breath as if he had run.

"Did Meredith come by here?" he asked and looked from Bailey to Lexie and then back to Bailey.

"Not that I've noticed..." Bailey replied.

"Does she know?" Lexie quickly asked Derek.

"Yeah, she does", he said, nodding. "And now I can't find her. So if she comes by you'll tell me, right?"

"Yeah, sure", Bailey said. "But if she wants to be alone you should probably let her. From my experience Meredith Grey has her own way of dealing with things."

Derek didn't seem to listen, he just went back into the hallway. Lexie was quiet a long time after he'd left before she said something.

"Am I gonna be the new Izzie?" she asked looking out the window. "The one everyone's afraid to come visit. The one everyone tiptoes around because they're afraid that she might die right in front of them."

Bailey was shocked.

"No!" she ensured. "You have a lot of people who love you, and they are just as scared as you are. That's the only reason they might be afraid to come visit. They do nothing wrong by being scared and worried for you. You should let people care about you."

"You're right", she sighed.

She thought about Mark. He deserved to know, he definitely did. She decided to call him, tomorrow maybe. She was going to tell him, but not today.

* * *

Cristina walked through the halls with Derek's words echoing through her mind.

_Don't let her wallow around in this. Get her to keep it together, for Lexie's sake._

She felt a growing sense of worry, not only for Meredith's sake but for Lexie's as well. Because as much as she would have denied it a couple of years ago, she liked Lexie. She was a nice girl who definitely did not deserve this.

She threw open the door to an on-call room only to see a couple of interns making out in a bed.

"Eew", she yelled at them, annoyed. "Get back to work!"

She closed the door again and moved on to the next room. This one was empty. She sighed. It was unbelievable what the world kept putting Meredith through. No wonder she was dark and twisty. She had the feeling that if Lexie died, Meredith would take dark and twisty to a whole new level, and she was not gonna let that happen.

It was by accident she walked past the daycare, but she came to a stop when she saw her friend sitting on a gurney just outside with Zola on her lap. She was holding her tightly, forcing a laugh when Zola said something in her cute baby voice. Suddenly she looked up and caught Cristina's eye, and even though she was smiling towards her daughter her eyes expressed something else. Fear and pain.

Cristina slowly walked up to her and sat down beside her on the gurney.

"Hi Zozo", she said to Zola and then looked back up at Meredith. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Meredith shrugged.

"What is there to say?" she asked and took a few shaky breaths before she kissed Zola on her head.

Cristina tried to look for things to say, things that could make it better, but she realized that nothing she said would make a difference. In the end, all she could do was to move a little closer, put her arm around Meredith and let her lean on her.

Zola started to crave attention, but Meredith just gave her another kiss and whispered to her. "Mommy loves you."

"I'm never gonna get to be happy, am I?" she mumbled to Cristina. "I get my post-it note wedding, George dies. I find out I'm pregnant, Derek gets shot and I miscarry the baby. I get to adopt a beautiful baby and for once everything in my life is perfect... And then..."

She was unable to finish the sentence as silent tears started to run down her face. Cristina sighed.

"I know, it's not fair." She tried to comfort her. "But I think we will all feel better if we just... try to be positive and hope for the best."

Meredith took another shaky breath and nodded.

"Hope for the best."

"Hope for the best."


	3. Chapter 3

She started chemotherapy the day after she found out about her disease. They had no time to waste. Just as a nurse connected the plastic tube to her IV, April walked in through the door. Normally she would have been annoyed since the two of them didn't get on too well, but today it made her childishly happy. Apart from Derek and Bailey she was the first one to come visit.

The nurse walked pass April but she stayed in the doorway, looking uncertain.

"Is it okay if I..." she asked, her gaze wandering around, not settling on anything specific.

Lexie smiled at her.

"No, I'm glad you came!" she ensured.

April immediately lit up. She smiled brightly and took a few steps into the room, holding a plastic bag in front of her.

"Good!" she sighed in relief. "Because I brought you all these magazines and vitamin drinks and a bunch of DVDs. They're from me and the others at the house. Alex and Jackson said they might come by later if you want them to."

"Thank you", Lexie said as she accepted the bag. The small gesture was so touching she almost started crying. "Is this... Titanic!"

"Yeah, I heard romantic classics is the best cure for... well, anything really", April explained.

"When does your shift start?" Lexie asked looking up at her.

"Not in another couple of hours. The others were in a hurry so I had to catch an early ride with Jackson..."

"Good", Lexie smiled. "Because then you can keep me company and watch Titanic with me!"

"I was kinda hoping you'd say that", April said and went to turn on the DVD.

Lexie was relieved that she'd stayed. When no one else was around her room seemed scary, like the walls were closing in on her. The dull colors made her feel sick. She was scared of being alone. Scared of dying alone.

* * *

Derek walked in just as the ship had sunk. He smiled at the two women and joined them to watch the last minutes of the movie. When it was over, April had to run to work and she left Lexie with Derek.

"Are you experiencing any side effects yet?" he asked, nodding towards the almost empty plastic bag above her head.

"I don't think so", she answered.

"Good", he smiled at her. Then he turned more serious. "You still haven't talked to Mark?"

She avoided his gaze.

"I don't want him to see me like this", she mumbled. "You know how I feel about him."

He nodded. He did know how she felt about him, but he also knew how Mark felt about her. Even though Mark might not admit it to himself, he knew that he loved her. Derek had been Mark's friend for as long as he could remember. He could read him like an open book.

The problem was that Lexie refused to understand that Mark loved her, and Mark refused to understand that she loved him. There was no way they were just gonna take the risk of confessing their love toward each other. He had to step in and help them.

"I have to go, but I'll come by later to see how you're doing, okay?"

She nodded and he got up from the chair beside her bed.

"Good bye Lexie."

"Good bye", she smiled and waved weakly.

Once he was out of the room he hurried to the closest nurses station where he spotted Dr Webber.

"Chief!" he called.

Richard turned around and took off the glasses he was wearing.

"Dr Shepherd", he greeted.

"I was just wondering if you'd seen Mark", he asked, leaning against the desk of the station.

Richard turned serious.

"Is it regarding Dr Grey?" he asked. "Because by now I'm sure Sloan is the only doctor in this entire hospital who doesn't know, and I would prefer it if he didn't find out through gossip."

"I know", Derek nodded. "That's why I'm asking."

Richard sighed.

"He's in surgery right now and won't be done for hours. You should probably wait until after then. We don't want him unfocused."

"Okay", Derek said and looked at the clock on the wall. "I'll wait for him when he's done."

Richard looked contempt, but then his expression changed to worry.

"How is she?" he asked. "Has she started her therapy yet?"

"Yeah, she did this morning", Derek said. "I was just there and she seemed fine for now."

"Good", Richard said, still not convinced. "We'll just have to see how long that lasts."

* * *

She was fine the entire morning, even managed to eat some lunch. Then, around lunchtime the exhaustion hit her. One minute she was peacefully flipping through one of the magazines April had brought her, the next she was too tired to even lift her head from the pillow. She put the magazine down on the bedside table, wincing as her sore muscles hurt by every movement. The bright light in the room made her head hurt and she had to close her eyes.

There, sick and alone in a cold and empty room, the fear of death suddenly became overwhelming. She had to count every breath to stay calm, but that didn't stop the tears from coming. She cried quietly into her pillow and wished that someone was around to comfort her, make her feel a little less helpless.

It took a lot of willpower for her to reach out and grab her cellphone. She though about who she could call. Just getting a nurse in here wasn't enough, and she didn't want to bother any of her friends. She hadn't seen Meredith in the two days she'd been sick so she obviously didn't want to see her, and the person she most of all wanted to call had another girlfriend. It was both weird and inappropriate to contact him now, and besides she was sure the head of plastics was busy. In the end, the only person she could think of calling was her dad. She just needed to hear his voice, hear him tell her that everything would be fine, just like he had so many times when she was little. She'd have to tell him about the disease eventually anyway.

"Hi, it's Lexie", she said hoarsely when he picked up, having to catch her breath after the short sentence.

"Hi!" He sounded surprised. "Is something wrong?"

He must have sensed the fatigue in her voice. Hearing his voice made her cry even more instead of calming her down.

"Yes", she whispered. "I'm sorry about the things I said the last time I saw you. About your new girlfriend and all of that."

"It's okay", he reassured her. "You don't have to be so upset about that!"

"No", she said and shook her head even though he couldn't see her. "It's not just that."

"What is it then?" He sounded worried.

She breathed in and out a couple of times before she answered.

"I called to tell you that I have cancer", she said in a low voice. "I found out yesterday."

"Oh..." he gasped and then he fell silent for a long time.

She waited patiently for a reply.

"But you're gonna be okay though, right?" he asked, sounding so hopeful that she couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth.

"Yeah", she said, trying to sound positive. "It's just that they're giving me medicines right now and the side effects are pretty exhausting. I'm alright."

"Are you sure?" he asked her. "Do you want me to come over?"

"No!" she quickly ensured him. "You don't have to come right now, but you're welcome some other day."

"Okay..." He seemed willing to jump in his car this very second to come over there. Of course, he was her father. "I'll come over some other day."

"Good", she said somewhat soothed by their conversation. "I think I'm gonna try to sleep now."

"Yeah... Of course!" he said. "I'll let you sleep then. And Lexie? You'll be alright. I'm sure you will."

She smiled through her tears.

"Okay", she whispered before she hung up.

Falling asleep would not be a problem as she'd fought to stay awake during the entire conversation. She relaxed and fell out of consciousness.

* * *

It was after 4 when Mark was finally done with his surgery. It had been a success, reconstructing the entire face of a poor guy who had been crushed in a car accident. He was surprised to see Derek waiting in the hallway outside the OR.

"Hey Derek", he smiled and walked up to him. "Are you stalking me?"

When he saw Derek's serious face he hit him gently on the shoulder.

"Come on", he teased. "What's with the mopey face?"

"I have a question for you", Derek said seriously.

"Okay..." Mark was confused now.

"Are you really over Lexie?" The question caught him completely off guard. "When you picture your future, is it with Julia?"

"Of course!" Mark said, a little offended. "What kind of question is that? Where are you going with this?"

Derek stared at him in silence for a moment.

"Lexie loves you", he stated as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "She loves you, but doesn't know how to tell you. And as long as you're with Julia she will push it aside and pretend like she doesn't, but I know she does."

He took a pause and let the words sink in before he delivered the next shock.

"And we found you yesterday that she has Leukemia.", he said in a low voice. "There's a big chance that she'll die soon, so I thought I owed it to you to let you know that she loves you, and if you love her back, then you owe it to her to admit it. Before it's too late."

Mark wasn't sure what to feel. He was sure of two things. The first one was that he was supposed to love Julia. She was a nice girl and he liked her, a lot. He had been convincing himself for a long time that he loved her. But he also knew that a strong feeling of panic was building up in the pit of his stomach. Slowly his wall began to crumble, showing him glimpses of the feelings he had once had for Lexie, along with the fear of losing her. He tried, harder than ever, to build up the wall again, but he realized it was impossible. It collapsed right around him. The illusion of a life with Julia, the belief that he didn't love Lexie. It had filled him for so long that he felt empty without it. All that was left was that growing sense of panic.

He gasped and looked at Derek, who put his hand on Mark's shoulder in support.

"Do you want to go talk to her?" he asked.

Mark nodded, trying to stay calm. Trying desperately not to show the devastation that was threatening to suffocate him. She needed him now.

But he also needed her, more than he had ever realized.


	4. Chapter 4

She only got to sleep for a couple of hours before an extreme nausea woke her up. She had been given a bucket for this occasion, and she realized now it was well needed. If she had ever said before that she was going through hell, she took it back now. _This_ was hell. After another couple of hours she was empty, and that was even worse. Because now there was nothing she could do to shake that awful nauseous feeling. She could only lie there, breathe, and try not to move a single muscle because that only made it worse.

She was facing the window, hugging herself to relieve some pain, when the door opened behind her. She slowly turned around, careful not to make any drastic movements. Derek was peeking in through the door. He smiled at her.

"There's someone here to see you", he said. "Is it okay if I let him in."

"Yeah", she said, but it was barely more than a whisper

If the normal Lexie would have been present she might have protested, but she was too tired to object. They could see her like this if they wanted to, she didn't even care any more.

Derek opened the door fully and her eyes grew wider when she saw who it was.

Mark.

She noticed he flinched at the sight of her and she realized what she must look like. She immediately regretted letting him in, and considered getting out of bed and running away. Only she couldn't do that. Instead she watched as he carefully took a few steps inside and Derek closed the door leaving the two of them alone.

"Lexie..." he started, but she had the feeling he had no idea what he wanted to say.

When he stepped even closer and sat down on the chair next to her bed she saw that he had tears in his eyes.

"There are... a lot of things I regret", he started. "And most of all, I regret what I did to you. I regret not listening to you and always doing things my way..."

"It's okay Mark", she answered.

There was no way she could be mad at him and she had wanted him with her for so long that him being here almost seemed surreal.

"No, I really am sorry", he insisted. "And I'm sorry that you're sick, and I'm sorry that you don't trust me enough to tell me..."

She had to interrupt him again.

"Listen Mark", she said, shamefully looking down at her sheets. "Me not telling you, that's all my fault. I'm too much of a coward to speak to you..."

She ran out of breath and just looked at him instead.

"I'm sorry", he whispered again.

"Don't be", she whispered back.

She felt like she could stay like this forever, just lying there looking into his eyes. She didn't think it was possible but he actually made her feel better.

All of a sudden he climbed in next to her in bed.

"What are you..." she trailed off when she saw his eyes, calming and kind.

"When I was hurt, you were there to comfort me", he explained. "You told me that's what you like to have done for you when you're hurt, and you look like you're hurting. So I'm going to be here to comfort you."

She let him put his arm around her and she relaxed against his shoulder.

"Better?" he asked warmly, and stroke back a curl of her hair that had fallen into her face.

"Mhm..." she mumbled.

He wished he could take her pain away, but he believed that he could at least make it a little better for her by being here. He saw her face relax, no longer wincing in pain. He heard her breaths slow down as she slowly fell asleep in his arms. For a second he forgot the circumstances that had brought him here. The only thing that mattered was that he was, in fact, here by her side.

* * *

It was late at night and Meredith was filling her last chart when Bailey walked up to her at the nurses station.

"Have you been to see Lexie?" Bailey asked raising her eyebrows at her.

Meredith looked away and tried to come up with an excuse.

"No... I haven't had time", she mumbled shamefully.

"I don't believe it!" Bailey yelled and forced her to meet her gaze. "Are you telling me you find out your sister is dying and you spend a day and a half in the same building as her without speaking to her? You let her go through an entire day of chemotherapy, alone?!"

Only then, when Bailey put it that way, she realized what a horrible person she really was. There was no excuse for her to avoid Lexie. When she looked around she noticed people staring at them. Great. Now they knew too what a heartless coward she was.

"And the only excuse you can come up with is that you 'didn't have time'!" Bailey was furious. "You _make_ time Dr Grey! Whatever you're doing that's so important, it can wait! You need to set your priorities young lady!"

Being yelled at by Bailey could make anyone feel like a kindergartener all over again. She looked down at her feet before she built the courage to look her in the eye again. As soon as their eyes met Bailey continued her lecture.

"If I'm not mistaken, you and your friends didn't visit Izzie's room even once on the day of her surgery", she scolded angrily. "You'd better not make the same mistake again! It's disrespectful and selfish! She's not dead yet! So you'd better get your ass over there before this day is over or I swear to god I will drag you there myself! Are we clear?"

When Meredith didn't respond she snatched the chart out of her hands.

"I'll finish this up", she grumbled. "You go there right now, show her some respect."

"Okay..." Meredith nodded and slowly made her way towards the oncology wing.

She turned around once to see Bailey signing at her to hurry up, so she took a deep breath, collected herself and started walking more determined than before.

She stopped outside the right door and looked in through the window. What she saw made her heart melt just a little. Mark was lying in Lexie's bed, sound asleep, holding her sleeping form in his arms. She hesitated, unwilling to wake them up, but just as she was about to leave Mark began to wake up anyway and he caught a glimpse of her through the window. Careful not to wake Lexie, he waved at her to come inside.

She quietly opened the door and walked inside.

"What time is it?" Mark asked with traces of sleep in his voice.

"It's almost eleven", she mumbled.

Mark seemed to wake up for real.

"I have to go", he said. "I promised to take care of Sofia in the morning."

She watched as he let go of Lexie and gently put her head down on her pillow. He stood up and walked up to Meredith. The two of them had never been that close, but somehow they seemed to have found common ground in their worry for Lexie.

"I'm scared", he whispered.

"Yeah, me too", she answered in understanding.

"I can't have her dying like this", he continued.

"I know", she mumbled. "Me neither."

They smiled slightly at each other as comfort before he left the room. She walked up to the bed and sat down beside it. She was shocked to see Lexie's weak appearance. Just two days ago she'd been fine. Playing with Zola in the kitchen, making the baby laugh hysterically. Now her face was several shades paler and she looked like she'd lost a lot of weight. Meredith understood it wasn't possible to lose this much weight in just two days. It must have happened earlier, she just hadn't noticed.

Now that she thought about it she got mad at herself. Why hadn't she noticed anything sooner? The signs were clear and she was a doctor. She realized that she never really payed much attention to Lexie. Not like with Derek or Cristina, where she could always sense if something was wrong. She regretted it now and promised herself in the back of her mind to pay more attention to her sister from now on. As long as Lexie would be okay she'd do pretty much anything. She couldn't bare to lose another person she cared about.

She was glad that Lexie was asleep. It saved her from having to have that apologizing conversation. It saved her from having to say anything. It also allowed her to let go of the tears she'd been holding inside all day. She buried her face in her hands and cried in silence.

_Please don't die, Lexie._


	5. Chapter 5

He rang the doorbell once, twice and a third time before he heard steps inside. The door unlocked and opened to reveal Julia.

"Hi, Mark." She looked surprised to see him.

"Hi", he said apologetically. "Did I wake you up?"

"Yeah, kind of", she smiled. "What did you want, do you want to come in? You look upset."

"I can't", he sighed. "I can't be with you."

"What?"

Her voice was less welcoming now.

"I don't think we can work together", he explained. "I've been trying to picture a life with you, but I've realized that I can't."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

This clearly came as a surprise in the middle of the night.

"I can't waste time fooling myself", he said desperately. "It's nothing personal. It's just... I have a soul mate. And I believe that you can't run from that. It's not fair to you, or to me, or to her. So I'm gonna stop running. I'm sorry you had to get hurt."

She didn't even look sad. Just disappointed and maybe a little dejected.

"You know... I knew this would happen", she said, giving him a look that filled him with guilt. "It's Lexie, isn't it."

He didn't even have to answer that. Of course it was Lexie. She shook her head and gave him a betrayed look before she slammed the door in his face. He was just glad it was over with.

* * *

Meredith didn't sleep all night. At one point she tried to get some sleep on the visitors couch by the window, but it didn't work. She had been so reluctant to come here, but now it seemed impossible to leave. So she'd called Derek and told him she was staying at the hospital overnight. He seemed glad.

When Lexie began to wake up she slowly approached the bed, knowing this was when she'd have to apologize and talk about all the things she didn't want to talk about.

Lexie looked up at her. At least she looked happy to see her, and that was a good start.

"You look like crap", Meredith teased her.

To her surprise Lexie started laughing.

"Have you seen yourself lately?" she asked.

Meredith gave her a confused look before she went into the bathroom connected to the room to see for herself. She winced when she saw herself. Her mascara was spread out under her eyes, which were still a little puffy, and her hair was a mess. She peeked out and smiled slightly at Lexie before she closed the door to make herself look more presentable and less like something the cat found on the street.

While in the bathroom, she heard the door outside open and something that sounded like a herd of elephants stormed inside. When she listened closer she could hear the voices of Alex, Jackson and April. Those people sure knew how to make some noise, she knew that because she lived with them.

When she'd cleaned herself up she walked back into the room where Alex, Jackson and April had started to fight about which movie to watch. She took the opportunity to sit down next to Lexie.

"I'm sorry", she mumbled so the others wouldn't hear her. "I should have come earlier."

"No, it's okay. I understand", Lexie ensured.

Meredith almost wanted Lexie to be mad at her. She should be mad.

"No it's not okay!" she argued.

"You're about to be an attending. You have important things to do", Lexie answered like it was the most obvious thing.

"Nothing more important than you", Meredith sighed. "I want you to remember that. You're important to me, and I don't tell you nearly enough."

The bright spark of happiness that lit up Lexie's eyes made her want to start crying again, but she was pretty sure she'd run out of tears.

"Meredith!" April's high-pitched voice yelled at her. "Do you think it's fair to make Lexie watch old war movies when she's already suffering?"

"April", Lexie sighed. "I just told you to pick a movie. I don't care which one."

"But she does", Jackson said pointing at April.

"How do you guys even have time to just sit in here and watch movies?" Meredith asked.

"Dr Bailey told us to _make_ time", Alex explained.

"You too..." Meredith answered understanding.

Just as they'd all agreed on what to watch a nurse walked in with a plastic bag filled with fluid that Lexie looked at with disgust.

"It's okay", Meredith reassured her. "It will make you better."

"No, it will make me puke", she grumbled, but didn't fight back when the nurse hooked the tube to her IV.

Meredith didn't concentrate much on the movie. Instead, she looked around at her friends. Jackson and April were talking to each other on the couch in low voices, both Lexie and Alex were childishly stuck inside the world of the movie. If she didn't think about where they were and how sick Lexie looked, this was almost like a regular day at the house. It made her feel calm. When Derek stopped by it was like the family was complete.

"How are you holding up?" he whispered after giving her a gentle kiss.

"I'm fine", she answered. "Almost happy even."

"Good", he smiled and kissed her again.

* * *

After the others had stormed off to work it didn't take long before Mark stepped inside Lexie's room. She lit up, glad she didn't have to be alone for too long.

"Hey", she greeted.

He didn't answer. Instead, he stayed silent for a while just looking at her.

"I broke up with Julia!" he blurted out.

Her eyes grew wide and she looked for something to say.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'm not", he explained, then smiled a little. "It was the right thing to do. I told her I've already found my soul mate, and that I can't run from it."

She inhaled shakily.

"Really?" she whispered.

"Really."

His smile grew wider when he walked up to her and sat down at her bedside. She sat up so that she could look into his eyes again. Her heart raced faster when he slowly moved closer. When their lips met she was afraid that she might have a real heart attack, but he cupped her head in his hands so gently, that nothing else in the entire world could have made her feel more safe.

Time must have stopped because it felt like the kiss lasted forever before he finally pulled away.

"I have a surgery in ten minutes", he explained. "but I'll be back as soon as I can to give you more of this..."

He gave her another kiss, shorter this time, and then he walked out the door leaving her with the taste of his lips and a happy, tingling feeling through her entire body.

When Meredith and Cristina stopped by later during the day she couldn't stop smiling.

"She's back with McSteamy!" Cristina exclaimed and poked Meredith in the side with her elbow. "Look at her! She's like... glowing."

She felt her cheeks grow hot and she tried to stop grinning.

"Hah!" Cristina yelled. "I knew it!"

"That's great Lexie!" Meredith encouraged.

Lexie just continued to smile.


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm so bored!" Lexie sighed and threw her head back on her pillow.

"Watch a movie then."

Meredith was sitting on the couch in Lexie's room, researching for one of her patients.

"No!" Lexie yelled. "For almost a week I have done nothing other than lying in this bed and watching movies, all while they pump poison into my system! Don't tell me it's not getting old!"

Meredith sighed and looked up from her papers.

"I'm sorry, but what do you want me to do about it?" she asked.

"I don't know", Lexie complained. "At least Izzie got to plan a wedding..." Suddenly she lit up. "Can you and Derek please get married again so that I can plan your wedding!"

Meredith laughed at her.

"No!"

"Please", she begged.

"Lexie!" Meredith warned. "I'm not gonna get married again just so that you can plan a wedding!"

Lexie frowned and looked at her with sad eyes.

"Oh no!" Meredith said and shook her head. "Don't give me that sad, cancery face. It's not fair!"

"It's not my fault that I'm sick..." she continued. "and that my hair's falling out..."

She pulled a curl of her hair and it seemed extend until the entire curl fell out to rest in her hand.

"I took a shower yesterday and I still haven't brushed my hair because I know it's all gonna fall off if I do..."

Meredith tilted her head and scrutinized her.

"Do you want to shave it off?" she asked.

Lexie considered it for a moment.

"Yeah..." she nodded. "I guess it's better to get it over with."

"I can go get Alex for you", Meredith smiled, but with a bit of sadness in her eyes. "He's good with that. He did it for Izzie."

"Okay."

Now that she'd agreed to do it it suddenly scared her. She waited tensely for Alex to come, but once he walked in and smiled at her it didn't feel that scary anymore.

"Meredith had to take care of her patients", he explained while putting a chair in the middle of the room. "But she told me to tell you to trust me. These are the steady hands of a pediatric surgeon."

She slowly got out of bed and walked over to the chair. It astonished her how a few steps could be so exhausting.

"Thanks for doing this", she said as she sat down.

"Of course", he said in his usual, Alexy way.

She felt his hands run through her hair. She closed her eyes so that she wouldn't have to see the long, dark curls of hair that dropped to the ground around her, but she could still feel it.

When he was done she finally dared to open her eyes. She looked at the ground below her, on the pile of hair, and raised a shaky hand to her head to feel that there was nothing there anymore.

"Hey", Alex mumbled when he saw her tear up.

He put an arm around her and wiped away a tear that ran down her cheek.

"Don't mind this", he continued. "It's just hair, it will grow out again. And besides, I brought you this. It was Izzie's"

He held a scarf in front of her. It had a pretty nice pattern and it cheered her up. He put it on her head and looked at her with a smile on his face.

"You look kinda hot", he grinned.

She hit him on his shoulder.

"I have a boyfriend", she said, but she couldn't help but to smile.

Even though he may appear grumpy, Alex was one of the nicest guys she knew.

"Thank you", she smiled before she got back into her bed and Alex cleaned up the hair.

He had just left when the door opened again. This time, it was Thatcher. He was obviously taken aback by her appearance.

"You already lost your hair?" he asked awkwardly.

"Yeah", she nodded.

She wasn't prepared for her dad to come. She'd wanted him to, she really had, but this was not a good time. She'd just had all her hair shaved off and she was not feeling too good either. The chemotherapy she'd gotten this morning had started to catch up on her.

"Lexie..." he said quietly and then walked over to her bed.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment before he leaned down and put his arms around her.

"I... I can't believe this is happening to you", he said with tears in his eyes. "Not after what happened to your mom... I didn't think more bad things could happen to our family..."

"Me neither."

He sat down at the chair beside her and looked around the room. He'd always been a man of few words, and making eye contact was another one of his not so strong sides. Suddenly he seemed to remember something and picked up the backpack he'd been carrying when he came in.

"I brought you something...", he said, attempting to smile. "I mean, maybe you think it's too childish, I know you're not a child anymore, I just... I remember you wanted him with you all the time when you were a kid, so... I brought Dusty."

Tears started to run down her face when he pulled up the fluffy stuffed polar bear she'd grown up with. It hadn't occurred to her that she wanted him there, but now that she saw him it felt like a huge relief. She reached out and grabbed him, pulled him into her arms and felt the soft fabric and the smell of her childhood.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you!" Thatcher said when he saw her tears.

"No, I'm happy", Lexie ensured. "You brought Dusty."

He smiled.

"I brought you something else too", he said and reached into the bag. "I figured you might be bored."

He pulled up her old Etch A Sketch. No way! This was so much better than planning a wedding.

"You are the best!"

Her words made him smile with a proud spark in his eyes. He had no idea how close he was to losing his daughter, and she was glad that she could make him happy, at least for the moment. He might need memories like these with her one day.

* * *

Mark's surgery had run late and as soon as he was done he rushed to Lexie's room, only to find her asleep. He stopped in the doorway when he saw the scarf. A feeling of shame built up inside him. This was another day with her that he'd missed because he was working. A day when she'd probably needed him and he hadn't been there for her.

She was lying on her side, with her arm carefully wrapped around a white teddy-bear. Despite the oxygen tube in her nose that helped her breathe, her lips were blue from the lack of oxygen and it was a strong contrast to her unnaturally pale skin. She looked so small, and it hit him with stronger force than before just how helpless their situation was. There was absolutely nothing he could do to help her. Nothing, other than to hold her hand when she was in pain, fighting so hard for her life.

He couldn't wake her up because the only time she wasn't in pain was when she was sleeping. But he was lonely and he felt tears burning his eyes. He couldn't stand seeing her like this, but he couldn't stand not being with her either.

He felt a sudden urge to throw something through a window or to hit a wall and scream. He was absolutely furious. Furious at the world for being so fucked up and unfair. Furious at himself for being with Julia all that time when he should have been with Lexie.

When he realized that he was pacing back and forth in her room he tried to calm down. He climbed into her bed again, because that always made him feel better and less helpless. After 4 restless hours he finally fell asleep holding Lexie and her teddy-bear in his arms.

* * *

**I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for all the reviews I've received. You can't see it, but I'm giving you all a BIG appreciating smile =D**

**I've been updating this story quite frequently, but I'm going on a school trip and wont be back 'til next week, so there wont be any more chapters for a while. Don't think that I've quit or given up. There are more chapters waiting to be posted and hopefully you will continue to follow Lexie's battle and hope that she will be okay.**


	7. Chapter 7

Meredith was standing in the hallway looking through the window at Mark talking calmly to Lexie. Derek was standing right behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist. It had been exactly one week since Lexie started her chemotherapy. They were waiting for the results of the tests they'd run today, telling them how the treatment was going.

"She's gotten worse", Meredith mumbled in a barely audible voice.

"You don't know that", Derek said and hugged her tighter. "There are a lot of side effects which is why she looks worse. That doesn't mean the treatment's not working."

Meredith inhaled deeply.

"No, I have this feeling, and it's not a good one", she said, on the edge of tears. "She's gotten worse, I can feel it."

They heard steps coming their way and looked up to see the oncologist at the other end of the hall. They quickly went inside.

Most of their friends had wanted to come, but they'd all agreed it'd be best if only Lexie's closest family was in the room when she was delivered the news. They didn't want her to have a big audience in case she was given a death sentence.

As soon as the oncologist stepped inside the room, Meredith knew her fears were confirmed. She reached out and grabbed Lexie's hand, and she could feel her squeezing it tightly. They both needed someone to hold onto. Derek put his arm around her shoulders and she noticed Mark was holding Lexie the same way.

All four of them stared at the oncologist and he cleared his throat.

"Some of the tumors have shrunken", he started. "But the difference is barely noticeable. You still have around the same number of leukemic cells in your blood, and what I'm most concerned about is a tumor in your right lung. It has doubled in size since the last scan and you have an alarming lack of oxygen."

Meredith looked at Lexie. It was obvious she was trying to hold up for their sake, but she was scared, terrified.

"You will need to start radiation therapy immediately", he added.

She felt Derek's gaze on her and she turned her head to look at him. They shared a moment of understanding and mutual sadness.

_You can't start crying_, she exhorted herself. _You're not the sick one._

The oncologist excused himself and left the room to let them be alone.

"You can't give up yet", Mark said, his voice hoarse from held back tears.

Lexie shook her head. Tears filled her eyes but she stubbornly wiped them away. Meredith had never been very good at the whole pep talk thing, but she knew it was needed in this situation.

"Lexie", she said, causing her sister to look up at her. "It's hard right now, I know that, but you just have to stick through it. You will get better, okay?"

She wasn't sure who she was trying to convince; Lexie, herself or Mark who looked like he was ready to break down.

* * *

Callie was waiting at a respectful distance from Lexie's room. Arizona was there with her, along with the rest of Lexie's roommates, Cristina and Dr Webber.

Suddenly they saw the door burst open and Meredith came outside. She walked towards them in a rapid speed, only noticing them when she was a few feet away. She stopped and seemed to consider turning around and going the other way. Her watery eyes showed them all that something was wrong.

They stood in silence for a few moments until Cristina finally dared to step out and walk up to her. She put her hands on Meredith's shoulders, trying to calm down her fast breathing.

Callie suddenly felt extremely bad for just standing here watching this devastated woman who might just have found out that her sister with certainty was going to die. She had to look away, so she met Arizona's gaze instead. She knew they were both thinking the exact same thing. _Poor Mark._

"What did he say?"

April was the one who dared to break the silence.

"Is it..." she continued. "Is she..."

She couldn't even complete sentence, and somehow, that made it so much worse.

Meredith inhaled shakily and looked at the group of people watching her. She was on the edge of a breakdown, everyone could see that.

"No, I mean..." Her voice was so unstable she could barely speak. "They will still try to treat her but... it's... It's not working."

She looked back at Cristina, her so called person.

"It's not working", she whispered to her, but everyone could hear her.

When Cristina pulled her into a hug it became too personal for Callie to watch.

"Let's go", she whispered to Arizona, and they walked away from all the sadness.

* * *

Mark was sitting in a waiting room. Lexie was undergoing radiation therapy and he couldn't picture himself doing anything other than just waiting for her. Derek was there with him, and Cristina was sitting with Meredith.

"I feel helpless", he sighed. "There really is nothing I can do to her. I can't help her. I'm just... useless."

"No you're not!" Cristina blurted out as an obvious fact.

He was confused. Both by the fact that Cristina tried to pep talk him, and by the fact that she actually claimed that he had any kind of impact on how Lexie's treatment was going.

She saw his confused expression and sighed.

"I have lived in the library for the past week", she explained. "Researching countless alternative treatments for her. We can't say it's over until we know for sure there's nothing more to try."

Everyone looked at her in shock.

"You have?" Meredith asked, touched by the commitment her friend had put into this.

"Of course I have", Cristina said, more tenderly than usual. "She's your sister, and I'm your person. It's my duty to do that for you. And I like Lexie. I don't want her to die."

"That's kind of brilliant Yang", Mark said, with a sudden hope that hadn't been there for a while. "Why didn't you tell us sooner? We'll help you, right?"

He looked at Derek and Meredith who both nodded eagerly.

"We can probably get even more people to help", he continued. "It will be a lot faster that way."

* * *

"These shelves are all oncology", Cristina explained. "Research and innovative treatments start here... and ends here. As you can see it's a lot of files, and I've only had time to read through like a twentieth of it, but now that were so many we should be able to go through it all."

Basically everyone they knew who had been able to sneak away from work was there. Cristina, Meredith, Derek, Mark, Alex, Jackson, April, Bailey, Callie, Arizona and Dr Webber.

"We can look on the internet", she added. "Oh, and while we're at it, we might as well ask Lexipedia herself. Maybe she read something useful back in 1994 or something. Kepner, go talk to her!"

"Sure", April said and quickly left the room.

She was excited that they had found a way to help Lexie. She ran through the halls getting annoyed looks from nurses she passed. When she reached Lexie's room she had to grab the doorframe to stop her speed.

Lexie raised her eyebrows at her when she stormed inside. She looked tired so April tried to be a little less... April.

"Hey", she smiled and walked inside.

"Hey", Lexie answered and then coughed. "What's everyone up to. I haven't seen anyone around all day."

April smiled wider.

"Well, Cristina has gathered everyone at the library", she explained. "We're researching every kind of treatment out there for you."

"Really?"

Lexie lit up.

"Yeah", April continued. "Cristina told me to ask you for ideas, but I think she was just trying to get rid of me. "

"She wants me to plan my own treatment?" Lexie asked sceptically, but then laughed. "There were some interesting research from page 381 to 450 in this huge book by Dr K. Miller. It's yellow and... huge. You can't miss it."

April shook her head in amazement.

"I still don't understand how you do that."


	8. Chapter 8

"What do you mean it wouldn't work?" Meredith demanded. "Why wouldn't it work?"

"It says right here that this kind of treatment has been successful only with patients who have lymphoblastic leukemia", Derek said. "You know that's not what she has, and we don't have time to experiment with something that we know from the start isn't gonna help."

Meredith still wouldn't let herself be convinced. They'd spent most of their free time in the library ever since Cristina came up with the idea. Almost all files were already read and they still hadn't found anything even slightly useful for Lexie's case. Meredith was starting to get desperate.

"Well, we don't have time to sit around and do nothing either", she complained. "We need to find her a treatment and we need to find one yesterday!"

"I know", Derek said in understanding. "I'm scared too. But I'm still trying to think rationally. We can't just get her started on a treatment that might even make her worse."

"She's already worse Derek!" she continued. "That tumor in her lung is slowly suffocating her. Any treatment she can get is better than that!"

"No, it's not better", he said shaking his head. "The wrong treatment could actually accelerate the progression of the disease."

Meredith stopped to think for a while. She knew he was right. It was accepting it that was the hard part.

"What about surgery then?" she asked. "Why can't we remove it by surgery?"

Derek sighed.

"I just don't think she's strong enough for that", he murmured. "A big surgery like that could kill her immediately."

She looked at him with disappointment.

"Then she needs a bone marrow transplant?" she asked.

"I'm not sure we'll be able to give her one", Derek explained, even though Meredith as a doctor already knew the answers to her own questions. "We know you're not a match. Neither is Thatcher, and Molly can't donate. Finding an unrelated donor is extremely hard."

Meredith rested her head in her hands.

"Why did I have to match Thatcher", she sighed. "Why couldn't I match Lexie instead?"

Derek shook his head.

"I wish it worked like that", he said. "But it doesn't."

"Are you saying there's nothing left to do?" she said, her voice cracking slightly.

"We haven't tried everything yet", he said, stroking her back with his hand. "I'm just saying, maybe you need to be prepared for the possibility that there might not be much we can do for her."

She suddenly became furious with him.

"I am prepared", she said. "I'm always prepared for bad things to happen. I expect them to happen, because somehow I'm surrounded by nothing but death and misery! It's just this time I'm not gonna let myself drown in my dark and twistyness. I want to hold on to the little hope I have. So don't tell me to _prepare myself_."

She left the room before he got the chance to respond.

* * *

"Derek!" Mark shouted and hurried out into the hall when he saw his best friend walk by the window.

Derek stopped, turned around and walked a few steps towards Mark.

"How's Lexie?" he asked.

Mark dropped his gaze to the floor.

"She's not good at all", he mumbled. "She's so tired, but she can't fall asleep because she's in pain. It's killing me, having to see her like this. I'm telling you, if she dies, I will never be the same."

Derek looked very concerned.

"I'm sorry", he said in a low voice. "You know I'd do anything to help you, right?"

Mark nodded and took a shaky breath.

"Is there anything you need right now?" Derek asked him. "Could we give her something for the pain? Get her to sleep a little."

"Nothing they give her seems to help", Mark sighed. "It's the chemotherapy she just had. We just have to get through the night. Tomorrow she will be better."

"Okay", Derek said. "Remember to call if you need anything."

He walked away leaving Mark outside Lexie's door. Mark had to stay in the hall for a while to collect himself before he went back inside. He forced a smile when she looked up at him.

"Missed me?" he asked.

"Yeah", she whispered.

The smile on her lips was barely noticeable, and it was quickly replaced by pain.

"Lexie...", he said and grabbed her hand.

He wanted to say something or do something, anything to make her feel better, but somehow he'd run out of words.

"I love you", was all he could say. "So I hope you're not thinking about dying on me."

She shook her head.

"Of course not", she said. "I love you too."

They sat in silence for a moment. Suddenly, Mark was aware of a raspy sound coming from her chest every time she inhaled. He sat up straight and watched her with worry in his eyes. She looked at him in confusion.

"What?" she asked.

"It sounds like you can't breathe", he said. "Should I call someone?"

She sighed.

"No, don't do that", she answered. "The tumor is blocking my airways, but there's nothing to do about that right now. I'd like to just sleep."

"Are you sure?" he asked, completely unconvinced.

She nodded.

"Would you lay down with me again?" she murmured.

"Yeah", Mark answered, but just as he climbed into her bed he spotted something on her bedside table. "Wow..."

He reached out and grabbed the red toy her father had brought in, her precious Etch a Sketch. On it she'd drawn a fantastic sketch of a man. Bright eyes and a smile on his lips. A little stubble around his face. It was obvious who this man was. Mark himself.

"You drew this?" he said, his eyes growing wide by the astounding piece of art.

"I did", she she said, this time her smile lasted a little longer.

"How did you even do that?" he asked.

She shrugged.

"I was inspired", she smiled.

"Can I keep this?" he asked, still not looking up from the drawing.

"Sure", she answered. "I kinda made it for you."

When he put down the Etch a Sketch and lay down next to her he had to hold back tears. She was amazing, and he was so unbelievably lucky that she'd chosen him. That she was in his life and that he got to hold her and feel her head rest on his shoulder.

And at the same time he was devastated. He knew this might not last. He could feel how thin her body had become, and he heard her fighting to breathe. He just got her back and now she might be taken away from him again.

* * *

Meredith was paged by Derek to an on-call room by. She walked there slowly. Ever since her fight with him she'd felt dejected. She was not ready to talk to him.

Before she'd even opened the door she could hear the voice of a baby inside. Her baby.

Derek was waiting for her with Zola in his arms.

"Mama!" the baby smiled and waved at her.

Meredith could see the disappointment in her eyes when she couldn't bring herself to smile back, and she immediately felt bad for it. She needed to be a good mother too.

"Hi sweetie", she said weakly and pulled her into her arms.

She hugged her tightly and at the same time she waited for Derek to speak.

"It's hard", he said with compassion. "It's hard and it's unfair, and sometimes it feels like we have the world against us, I admit that."

She was afraid to meet his gaze, knowing exactly how serious he looked.

"We've had a lot of downs", he continued. "and it's easy to just think about that. It's easy to give up."

She finally looked up at him and he gave her a small smile.

"I could just think about all the bad things that have happened to us", he said. "But I'm not sure I could live like that. So any time I feel myself slipping away, thinking too much about Lexie and losing my hope for her, I think of you instead. I think about how much you and I have overcome. I think about our beautiful baby, and I feel lucky. Because some people have nothing, and I have you. And in the middle of everything else, that's the light I can hold on to. That's what keeps me going."

Zola moved in her arms and looked up at her with a big smile, and even though Meredith now had tears in her eyes she finally managed to smile back. She concentrated on Zola. Her warm body and her warm smile. Derek was right. She was lucky, and for just a moment she could actually forget about all the rest.


	9. Chapter 9

Lexie woke herself up by screaming at the top of her lungs, causing Mark to rush to her side.

"What?" he asked worriedly. "What's wrong?"

"I..." she began, but then broke out in sobs.

"Were you dreaming again?" he asked stroke her cheek with his hand.

She bit her lower lip and nodded.

"I think I'm going crazy", she said with panic in her voice. "I've been here for too long, I think... I think I'm starting to forget about the real world. Do you think it's possible that I'm going crazy? Because I mean, I have done that before..."

"You seem completely sane to me", he said and tried to comfort her with a smile. "Is that what the dreams are about? Going mad?"

"No", she said and shook her head.

"Then what?"

He was obviously curious, but she really didn't want to add this to all the things he was worrying about. He stared at her with eyes that told her he wouldn't back off, so she held back the next sob and and took a deep breath instead.

"I don't want to die, Mark", she whispered.

She immediately regretted it when she saw the worry in his eyes, but she'd already started so she might as well continue.

"I don't want to die", she said again. "I don't want the world to go on without me here to see it. I want to finish my residency. I want to watch Zola grow up, I don't want her to forget me. And I want kids of my own. I want them with you. I want to be with you, but I'm afraid that all my thoughts, all that I am, will just disappear. What if I just disappear?"

He shushed her.

"Don't ever say that!" he said. The hardest thing he'd ever had to do was seeing her this scared. "You're not going to die! They're still treating you. If you were dying they wouldn't. And even if you did die, your whole life would not have been for nothing! I don't think it's possible for someone to just disappear. I'm sure you'll go some place and watch us from above."

It was getting harder for him to talk as tears filled his eyes. He blinked them away.

"And you will have made a difference", he whispered, clearing his throat to get his voice back. "You have made a difference to many lives. You're a doctor. You've given someone a lifetime with their loved one. And you've made a difference in the lives of the people that you know. You've given your parents the best gift in the world. Your friends all love you, they're not ever going to forget you. You even made dark and twisty Meredith understand that family can be something great. And you made me love you. You taught me how to love, and that's why you can't die, okay?"

She had stopped sobbing, but silent tears were still running down her face. He stroked them away and smiled.

"And if you feel trapped in this bed I might have a cure for that", he smiled. "Will you go on a date with me?"

She looked surprised.

"But I am trapped in this bed", she said raising her eyebrows. "I can't go..."

"We'll have it here of course!" he continued. "What do you say? You and I can have a nice date right here. We'll have candles and maybe some music. Then we can just sit and talk about anything you want. It'll make you forget about cancer and chemotherapy..."

Finally a little smile reached her eyes.

"Okay", she said. "I will go on a date with you."

* * *

"Can you talk to her", Derek said to Cristina. "I've tried, but she won't listen. I think this is one of those times when she needs her person, because I'm not sure she understands what I'm saying."

"Of course", Cristina answered.

They looked in through the door to the library. Meredith was sitting at a table with gigantic stacks of books and files surrounding her. She was carefully reading through some article on the laptop in front of her.

Together, Derek and Cristina stepped inside and walked up to her table. She didn't even acknowledge their presence, she just kept reading.

Cristina sat down beside her.

"Should I be worried about your mental health?" she asked carefully.

Finally Meredith looked up from her computer and sighed. When she didn't say anything Cristina tried again.

"Seriously", she sighed. "You've barely left this room in like three weeks. You haven't slept or eaten in... I don't even know how long. It's time to take a break."

"No!" Meredith protested angrily, then she went back to reading.

Cristina waited a moment before she reached out and slapped the laptop shut. Meredith looked up at her in shock.

"Mer", Cristina began. "These files and articles aren't going anywhere. They will still be here after you go to an on-call room and sleep for a few hours."

"I don't have time to sleep!" Meredith said.

"Yes you do", Derek insisted. "If you keep on doing this you might die before she does."

Meredith looked up at him with one of her infamous death stares. Cristina sighed and looked at Derek too.

"You're not helping", she told him, then she looked back at Meredith. "Don't you think you've taken this just a little too far?" she asked. "You've read everything there is to read. Don't you think you should consider maybe... spending some time with her. Or with Zola. Or just go anywhere other than this very room. Take a break!"

"I can't take a break!" Meredith yelled, causing people around them to raise their gazes. "I can't take a brake, because she's getting sicker every second. And every second I sit here and talk to you, is another second of trying to save her that I've wasted. So I would like it if you could just leave!"

Derek sat down at the table. He put a hand on her back to calm her down.

"They're doing the best that they can", he mumbled. "You're doing the best that you can, but you need to think about yourself too."

She had tears in her eyes when she looked at him.

"I recognize the pattern", she answered him. "They're giving her stronger and stronger treatment, so strong that she's starting to fade away. And soon, they're gonna tell us that there's no use anymore. They will say that it's time to stop, and I can't stop. I can't just stop and watch her die, so I will sit here and I will read these books and I will try to save her!"

A silence settled over the table for a moment.

"I can stay here and read", Cristina said in a low voice. "If you go take a nap I can stay here and read, see if you've missed something. I am more observant than you are anyway."

Meredith finally let herself be persuaded and agreed to go to sleep.

* * *

Mark had picked out the perfect bouquet of flowers for her. It was a mix of pink and white roses, tied together with a bow. He stopped by the men's room to take a look at himself in the mirror. She was perfect to him, so he had to look nice for her.

He was wearing a blazer that was both elegant and comfortable. He'd even put on a tie. He smiled at his reflection. Never had he thought that he would become a crazy romantic teenager, but he was. There were butterflies dancing around in his stomach just thinking about her, and he couldn't remember ever making this kind of effort to get a girl to like him, and not just his good looks.

He adjusted his tie and after a final look in the mirror he walked back into the hall. The closer to her room he got, the faster his heart raced. This was going to be their first date since before they broke up.

He noticed that he was smiling like a crazy person, but he didn't try to hide it. He was happy.

He _was_ happy. But then he reached her door.

Nurses were running around in there, around the bed where a lifeless and pale Lexie was lying. Her monitors made an awful lot of sound.

He dropped the bouquet to the floor. The bow fell of and the roses, white and pink, spread out in a pile. He stopped breathing, but he couldn't stop watching.

Watching as one of the nurses started making chest compressions on the girl he loved. Watching as another nurse yelled for someone to get a crash cart in there. When someone came with the crash cart he had to take a step aside so that they could roll it into her room.

The flowers were crushed under it. The doctor just rolled the cart straight over the flowers he'd picked out for her, but he didn't care about that. He cared about _her_. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as he watched them try to revive her on the other side of the glass.

_Clear..._

An electric shock made her body jerk. He could feel the pain in his own chest.

_Clear..._

He stared helplessly through the window, thinking about their past, their present, their future. It couldn't be taken away from them, not now that he knew how much he loved her.

_Clear..._


	10. Chapter 10

**I admit it... I'd been planning this evil cliffhanger for you because I knew I was going on vacation for a week and wouldn't be able to update. For that, I apologize. I'm really happy so many wanted to review instead of... i don't know... punching me in the face. ;) Thank you.**

**I might also have to add that up 'til now I've had a line of finished chapters waiting to be posted, but I've run out of them now, so i will update less frequently from now on.**

**Anyway, I'm just gonna shut up now and let you read...**

* * *

Silence. They sat together on the floor of the hall in silence. Derek was rubbing Meredith's back while she stared at the people passing them only to occupy her mind with something easier to deal with.

Alex was there too, along with Jackson and April. Bailey was clearly fighting back tears.

Mark was just staring. Staring into space, his mind empty. Not until the oncologist was standing above him was he able to snap out of his own mind. They all got up from the floor, standing in front of him in a circle.

"We were able to get her stable again", he said, looking at them one by one. "She's okay for now."

"No, she's not okay!" Meredith said angrily. "Her heart stopped! When your heart stops, you die. She was dead!"

"I'm sorry", the oncologist said. "The tumors are taking all her energy. It's getting too hard for her body to cope with it. If you add her low oxygen levels it's a miracle she's still alive."

Mark was still in shock. He hadn't said a word since a nurse led him away from the drama. He was focusing on breathing. In and out. In and out. That was all he could handle right now.

"I think we'll need to remove the tumor in her lung by surgery or she will die... soon", the oncologist continued. "She's awake right now, so you can go see her if you'd like. But I have to warn you, she's extremely tired. I wouldn't overwhelm her."

Mark managed to nod. He started walking in the direction of her room, noticing Derek and Meredith were following him.

Lexie looked terrible. Beautiful, but terribly pale. Still, the sight of her calmed him down a little. The image of her lifeless body was haunting him, and seeing her now, her chest rising with every breath, was definitely better.

Meredith looked terrified, like she wasn't sure weather to go inside or turn around and run. She stopped in the door instead. Derek stayed by her side while Mark slowly walked up to Lexie's bed and sat down beside it. She carefully opened her eyelids to look up at him. A tear escaped from her eye but she didn't make an effort to wipe it off. In fact, she didn't move at all.

It broke Mark's heart completely. He reached out and wiped the tear away.

"It's okay", he whispered. "You don't have to say anything. Just try to rest, okay?"

She didn't respond. Her gaze lingered at him for a moment before she closed her eyes again. Once again he found himself holding back tears. She couldn't worry about him now. He had to be strong for her.

He sat with her until he was sure she was asleep. After that he walked out into the hall, taking shallow breaths. He slumped down on the floor again. He didn't realize he wasn't alone until Alex cleared his throat. He looked up to see him standing beside him and he wondered how long he'd been standing there.

"Hey, man", Alex said and sat down next to him.

Mark just looked back down.

"Hey."

"I just wanted to say..." Alex said. "that I know how you feel."

It was like Mark saw him for the first time. In all his own misery he had forgotten... He hadn't understood what Alex had gone through when Izzie was sick. But he understood now, all too well.

"I'm sorry", he said in a raspy voice. "I wish you didn't."

"Yeah", Alex said quietly. "It kinda sucks."

"It's like every time I think things can't get worse, that she can't get worse", Mark sighed. "she does."

"Izzie was fine one minute", Alex said with a spark of sadness in his voice. "and then she died in my arms. I was holding her when her heart stopped."

Mark shivered. He couldn't imagine, didn't want to imagine, what that must have felt like.

"But her heart started again", he tried to comfort. "You got her back."

"Nah..." Alex said and shrugged his shoulders. "She left me."

They sat in silence for a moment, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

"No offense", Mark said after a while. "But that's kinda douchey of her to do to you after all you'd been through."

"Don't apologize", Alex answered with a smile that faded just as quickly again. "I should hate her guts."

Mark smiled back at him.

"But you can't do that, can you?"

"No", Alex mumbled. "I guess I can't."

"Lexie walked out on me twice", Mark continued. "and yet here I am, every minute by her side. I guess love's not as easy to run from as we think."

"I guess not..."

* * *

"Basically", Derek said in a low voice. "the options we have left is to remove it by surgery, or leave it in there."

They were all back in Lexie's room. She'd woken up and they were explaining her options to her.

"But you said the other day that you didn't think she was strong enough for a surgery that big", Meredith interrupted him.

"Well, it's grown now, which means that the radiation isn't helping", he explained.

"You said that she'd most likely die", she continued fighting. "and now that she's even worse you want to try it?"

"We need to get it out somehow", Mark said beside her. "We can't just leave it there."

Derek looked down at Lexie.

"You have to understand that this surgery is a complex procedure, and chances are you won't make it."

"Yeah, I understood that", she sighed. "But if it's the only way to get it out, then I'd like to try."

"No!" Meredith objected and looked Lexie in the eye. "It's too dangerous! Do you understand the risk you're willing to take?"

Before Lexie got to reply Alex interposed.

"I'm with Meredith", he said. "We still have lots of alternate treatment plans to go through on the internet. This surgery would be dangerous even if you weren't already this far gone."

"You're a resident Karev", Mark said raising his voice. "What do you know about this?"

"Can everyone be quiet so that we can reach a decision?" Derek asked, but it was hard to be heard since everyone were talking at the same time.

"We can't!" Meredith answered. "We have to discuss this carefully before we jump to anything!"

Derek sighed and looked at Lexie who was silently watching everyone fight about her.

"Everyone stop!" he yelled. "Let's take this outside."

Reluctantly they all stopped talking and left the room. As soon as they were outside Meredith raised her voice again.

"Who put you in charge?" she yelled and gesticulated wildly towards Mark.

"I'm not putting myself in charge", he denied angrily. "I'm trying to do what's best for Lexie, but you won't let me!"

"She can't have the surgery!" Meredith yelled desperately. "She will die right there on the table! Is that what's best for her?"

"She doesn't stand a chance without it!" Mark replied. "I love her! I need her to survive, and this is her only chance."

"Well I love her too!" Meredith got angrier and angrier by the second. "But my opinion doesn't seem to matter! And we don't know yet if it's her only chance. We could still give her more radiation! We don't know what that can accomplish, but we do know that surgery is extremely dangerous in her condition! It's not an option!"

"It's her only option!" Mark yelled. "I'm more experienced than you are, therefore I'm a better judge. And besides, Lexie said it herself! She wants to try! Stop babying her and let her make her own decisions!"

"Guys..." Derek put up his hands between them to calm them down. "This is not helping."

He turned to Meredith.

"I know I said it was too dangerous", he said. "but now that it's this bad she will need surgery. It's the only way she has even the slightest chance of survival. Without it she will die within a few weeks, a month at most."

Meredith was quiet now, but she looked at Derek with pleading eyes.

"You know it's true", he mumbled.

Her gaze sank to the floor and she nodded.

"Okay", Derek said turning to the rest of them. "Now, can we all pull it together and go back into the room. The last thing Lexie needs is having everyone she knows freaking out and fighting about her. She's already scared."

Everyone agreed and they walked back inside.

"So", Derek said to Lexie. "You're having surgery then?"

She looked at Meredith as to reassure herself she wasn't doing something against her will. It was like she was scared Meredith would be mad at her. Luckily, Meredith could bring herself to nod in consent and Lexie looked at Mark instead who smiled encouraging at her.

"Yeah", she said weakly. "I am."


	11. Chapter 11

It was the Day with a capital D. The day of the surgery. The day Lexie might die, and most likely would.

Mark spent the entire day holding her hand and telling her calming things. She'd be alright, of course she would. She'd go through the surgery with flying colors. Her roommates were there and they agreed with him. Thatcher too. Even Molly had flown in to be with Lexie, although she and Thatcher did look a little out of place on the visitor's couch surrounded by Lexie's colleagues.

"Mark...", she mumbled all of a sudden, interrupting his positive thinking. "I know we should hope for the best but... I have a 1.195 % chance of surviving according to a calculation that I made, and as much as I want to live, I probably won't. We can't keep acting like everything will be fine. I'll _probably_ die today. I'm too tired to keep up the act. I just want to spend this day with my friends and family..."

He noticed her voice trailed off at the word family and he was suddenly filled with anger. Lexie's surgery was in a couple of hours and Meredith still hadn't shown up. Why couldn't she just keep it together this one day for Lexie's sake? These last few weeks, Mark and Meredith had not hesitated to let out all their anger on each other. He found himself disagreeing with everything she said, every decision that she made. Lexie was lying here helpless, sad, scared and dying, obviously wanting to see her older sister one last time before she went into a surgery that would probably kill her. If Meredith couldn't bring herself to come, Mark would never forgive her.

"I'm not denying anything", he said with a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I'm just choosing to believe you'll be alright."

He leaned forward and kissed Lexie on her forehead.

"I'll be right back", he whispered.

He left her side and went on a search for Derek. It didn't take long until he found him in a conference room.

"Hey", he said and looked up from his papers. "I was just going to see Lexie."

"Where is she?" Mark demanded angrily, without acknowledging the fact that Derek had spoken.

Derek sighed.

"She came home after 4 this morning", he said quietly. "She was really drunk, but I made sure she was awake when I left the house right before 11. She seemed devastated, but she said she'd come in as soon as she could."

"Get her here now!" Mark complained. "Lexie needs her to come. Tell her that!"

Derek rested his chin on his hands.

"I've tried that", he said. "Of course I have. I know she'll regret it if she doesn't come. I'll make sure she's here before Lexie goes in to surgery."

* * *

"Meredith!" Derek yelled when he spotted her coming into the lobby.

She looked clearly hung over, with a lack of make up and her hair in a mess. When she saw him she started walking slowly towards him, as if trying to postpone the moment she'd have to face him. She stopped in front of him with a frown on her face.

"How are you?" Derek asked her with concern.

The only response he got was her shrugging her shoulders, but her eyes said it all. He sighed. Getting her out of this dark place she was in was not gonna be easy.

"She's missing you right now", he tried. "She's going into surgery soon, and I know she wants to see you before she does."

He realized quickly that this was not the best approach. Not only had he pushed her to do something that would cause her great emotional pain, but he had also made her feel guilty about not doing it.

She stared at him with eyes that seemed to struggle between anger and sadness. He had to help her.

"You will regret it if you don't go", he mumbled. "Don't do it just for her, do it for your own sake. Nothing will change for the better if you lock yourself in some on-call room to lock away your emotions. You won't feel less empty."

"I can't!" she said dejectedly. "I'm trying to find a way to hold up and to be okay with this, and the only way I can do that is if I try to think about the good things in my life, like you told me to. I'm trying to deal with it, I am. But this is Lexie we're talking about. My sister is dying, and I don't know how to deal with that."

Slowly, expecting to be rejected, he pulled her into his arms. She was tense at first but eventually she relaxed against his chest.

"Go see her", he whispered. "I was there the entire morning, and it actually helped me feel less scared. She's pretty amazing like that. The calming effect she can have on people."

"It's just gonna remind me even more of what I'm about to lose", she said and pulled free from his hug.

"Don't think like that", he said and smiled at her with his eyes. "The purpose of this surgery is to save her, not to kill her. She might live."

Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Or she might die after a few minutes in there", she muttered. "It sure wouldn't surprise me."

Derek had run out of words. She didn't want to be convinced. It was like she'd given up on everything.

* * *

Miranda Bailey was nervous. Actually, that was an understatement. She was terrified. In just a few short minutes, she and Teddy were going to put a scalpel to the chest of one of their colleagues. The odds were strongly against them. If they failed she'd have to go out into the waiting room and tell her old intern, whom she was way too fond of, that she'd killed her sister. She'd have to tell Seattle's best plastic surgeon, one of her friends, that the love of his life was dead. This wasn't what you'd call an easy task. It was almost impossible.

She was standing by the OR-board, looking at those dreadful black letters.

_Patient: Lexie Grey_

_Procedure: Thoracotomy_

_Surgeon: Bailey, Altman_

This was going to be a long and hard night, whatever the outcome would be.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Teddy walked around the corner.

"Are you ready?" Teddy greeted when she noticed how tense Bailey was.

"As ready as I'm gonna be."

She didn't sound as tough as she wanted to, but she figured it didn't matter. Because of the previously stated facts, she had good reason to be nervous.

"Let's go prep her then", Teddy said in a positive tone, but Bailey could see that she too was nervous.

They walked together to Lexie's room. Bailey was shocked to see how many people had fit into the small room. It seemed like the entire staff, plus Thatcher and Molly, were there. Well, everyone except... She let her gaze wander around the room, stopping at Mark who shook his head telling her not to mention it. She sighed and turned to Lexie.

"Okay, sweetie", she said, trying to keep the tension to a minimum. "We'll get you prepped then. You'll be back here in a few hours, much better than you are now."

Lexie smiled a little while Teddy injected a shot into her IV to prevent nausea and anxiety and to prepare her for the anesthesia. Before they put the oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, Mark leaned in and gave her a long, gentle kiss on her lips.

"I love you", he smiled.

"I love you too", she answered and gripped his hand.

They left the room and all the people behind. Only Mark stayed by her side, not letting go of her hand. It always amazed Bailey how much love this man could give. She never would have believed he'd be so loving when he first came to Seattle. It was obvious he'd changed a lot since Lexie came around.

There it was again. One of the reasons this surgery _had_ to be successful.

* * *

Meredith ran through the halls, determined to get to Lexie's room on time. She could barely breathe, but she wasn't sure if it was because she was running so fast or because she was so scared.

She rounded a corner and nearly fell over a small table. Before she'd even gotten her balance back she ran into a nurse and again she was about to end up on the floor, pulling the nurse with her.

"Sorry!" she said between her breaths.

She didn't have time to stop any longer, so she continued running. When she came to the right doorway she stopped in horror.

The room was empty. Almost empty, that is. On the visitors couch Molly was still sitting, that's how she knew she was in the right room. But she was too late.

"They've already left..." Molly said quietly.

She seemed shy, which was understandable since the too of them were miles from close.

"I can see that!" Meredith yelled angrily, and turned around before Molly got the chance to say anything else.

She was heading for the OR's. Maybe they hadn't sedated her yet. Maybe she still had time to see her.

She rushed through the doors to the OR floor just as they were about to go inside.

"Meredith!" Bailey yelled at her. "You can't be here!"

"I know", she said, her eyes tearing up. "I know."

She walked up beside Lexie and looked into her eyes. She tried to save the image in her head, Lexie looking back up at her, alive and breathing. This could be the last time she saw her alive.

"I'm not saying goodbye, okay?" she said determined and clutched on to the side of Lexie's bed. "I'm not! But before you go in there I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for the way I treated you when you first got here. It was nothing personal, just my own issues, and no matter who you were, I should have never treated you like that. I've taken you for granted, and I'm sorry for that too."

Lexie smiled, even though she too had tears in her eyes. She looked so happy that Meredith was finally here, and once again Meredith cursed herself for her selfish actions.

"I'm not saying goodbye either", Lexie said, having difficulties breathing. "But I want to make sure you know that family is always dark and twisty, especially ours, and considering this you're one of the sanest people I know."

Meredith felt Bailey's hands on her shoulders.

"We need to take her inside now", she mumbled.

Meredith's eyes stayed on Lexie as they took her away.

"I'll see you soon", she called, right before the big doors closed and left her in the hall, alone.


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm really sorry it's been so long. My excuse is that school's kept me insanely busy with like 20 different essays and exams, including the national Swedish exam that declines my grade for the entire course.**

**Enough about that. I hope this chapter will make up for the wait. I'm not done with this yet.**

* * *

Mark remembered the moment when he realized he was in love with her. It hadn't occurred to him at all, until Derek told him to stay away from her. That's when the idea was planted in his brain. The idea of them being together.

He spotted her from a distance later that day, and suddenly he seemed to notice everything about her. Her beautiful smile, the way that she was glowing. It was like he was drawn to her by some force he didn't understand. Maybe he knew already then that they belonged together.

There was only one problem. The fact that Derek _specifically_ had asked him to stay away from her. As much as he loved her, he didn't want to let his best friend down either.

"You really hated the idea of me and Lexie", he said out loud, smiling at the memory.

He turned his head to Derek who was sitting beside him in the waiting room. Derek suddenly got a guilty look on his face.

"I'm sorry about that", he said. "I was wrong, you know that, right?"

"Yeah", Mark nodded and once again turned his attention to the floor, which he'd been staring at for the last hour, ever since the surgery started.

This waiting was killing him. They hadn't come with any updates yet, nothing. He just had to sit here, not knowing anything about how she was doing. It was a good sign though, because no news also meant no bad news. It meant they were still working on her. It meant she was still alive.

He was pulled out of his deep thoughts and sat up straight when Bailey rounded the corner. He willed himself not to think about what she might tell him, desperately hoping this was just a regular update. Because if the surgery was over this soon, it could only mean one of two things. Either they'd opened her up and realized there was no way of removing the tumor and had to close her up immediately, or she...

Both possibilities were unthinkable.

"She's stable", Bailey assured when she saw his terrified expression. "I just wanted to let you know."

He stood up and took a few steps towards her, nodding slowly.

"Good", he mumbled. "So, how far have you gotten? Does it seem to be working?"

The way that her gaze quickly left his eyes let him know that not everything was going great.

"We're trying..." she started. "We're still figuring out how to get in there without making too much damage. She also has a couple of smaller tumors around the pulmonary artery, which could give us problems."

A silence settled for a moment until Meredith too got up from her seat.

"You mean you haven't even started yet?" she said, clearly in shock.

Bailey looked at her with apologizing eyes.

"No", she mumbled. "We don't want to rush anything. If we want to succeed we need to do this flawlessly."

Meredith slumped back down in her seat while Bailey went back into the OR. Mark couldn't stand to sit still any longer, so he started pacing around the waiting room.

He'd thought they'd at least begun trying to save her. If they'd already cut into her lung it meant that she'd already survived the first step, that she was one step closer to living. But the fact that Bailey and Teddy were just standing there, staring into her chest, meant that she was still on square one. And the longer it took for them to figure out a solution, the smaller her chances were.

Once again, he was snapped out of his thoughts, this time by Meredith gasping in panic in her seat.

"Derek!" she said, staring out into space.

"What?" he asked and put his arm around her shoulders. "What is it?"

She inhaled sharply and looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"I forgot to tell her that I love her", she said in despair.

He sighed and held her closer.

"She knows that you love her", he comforted, but she just shook her head.

"I never tell her", she said with a voice that wouldn't bear. "I might never get the chance to tell her."

Derek paused for a moment.

"I want to tell you that everything will be alright", he sighed. "But you and I both know there's no way to be sure. So instead I want you to remember that if this ends here, you've done everything you can. You've been a great sister to her. She appreciates that, I know she does."

"That's just it!" she protested. "I've been a terrible sister! I did everything to push her away. Even after I learned to tolerate her I never cared enough about her. I didn't care enough to even try to understand her. I didn't care enough to notice she was sick. She said it herself. I've failed her, on every occasion!"

"Why are you bringing that up now?" Derek almost sounded angry. "That was a long time ago. Before she moved into our house. Before you donated a part of your liver to a man you hardly know, only for her sake. Before you tried this hard to save her life. Don't tell me you did all that because you're such a bad sister, or because you don't care about her. I can see how much you care."

Mark sat down on the other side of Meredith.

"You have no idea how bad I feel for being with Julia all that time", he said to her. "But I just can't think about that, because it's bad enough that she's dying."

He paused for a second while she looked at him.

"I don't blame you for treating her like that", he said. "You had your reasons."

She nodded.

"I guess the things you've done to her don't matter that much either", she said to comfort him back. "She loves you anyway, so you've got to have done something right."

The three of them sat closely together, as if each others company was the only thing that kept them together at the moment.

Pretty soon, April joined them too.

"How are things going?" she asked carefully, afraid that the answer would be bad.

"We don't really know", Derek answered her, and they fell back in silence. This wasn't the right time for smalltalk.

* * *

When Bailey and Altman finally came out from the OR after 13 hours, Alex, Jackson and Callie had joined them, both Derek and Meredith had fallen asleep and Mark had paced back and forth through the room countless times.

Lexie's oncologist had also come with the surgeons. Mark was quick to wake Derek and Meredith up so they could all hear the news. He tried really hard to read their expressions, but it was hard.

Teddy took a step forward. Mark felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest. He stared at her in anticipation and let out a deep breath when he saw a smile form on her lips.

"We got the tumor", she said.

"You did?" he asked, finding it hard to find his voice.

"We did", Bailey reassured.

Mark broke out into a big smile and turned to his friends. He wasn't sure what to do with all this happiness, he felt like jumping up and down. Derek had pulled Meredith into his arms and April wiped a tear off her face.

This battle was reaching it's end, he could feel it.

"That's great!" he said happily. "Then she will continue her chemotherapy and we'll try to get her into remission as soon as possible, right?"

The oncologist suddenly got a weird look on his face. A look that made Mark's smile fade.

"I thought you'd understood", the oncologist mumbled. "It's great that we removed the tumor, it will give her more time. But the treatment isn't nearly as successful as we'd hoped. We could see already from the beginning that treating her would be nearly impossible. The chemotherapy can give her more time, but she's just too far gone. She's not going to go into remission."

The silence that followed was awful. All of the surgeons seemed afraid to breathe. Even Bailey and Altman looked shocked. They hadn't realized it either.

"But if she's not going into remission..." Mark said slowly, trying to wrap his mind around what he was hearing.

"She will die", the oncologist continued the sentence. "But at least now she might have up to ten weeks, maybe even more."

"Ten weeks!" Mark yelled. "That's not enough!"

He clenched his fists and breathed heavily.

"It's not enough!" he yelled again in despair. "I thought it would help her! I thought..."

Suddenly he could feel Derek's arms around him in a tight grip. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down. When he opened his eyes again tears escaped from them.

"I'm sorry Mark", Derek mumbled.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with her", he whispered back. "I can't have just ten more weeks."

Derek let go of him and looked him in the eye.

"I know", he said.

Mark now felt someone else's hand on his shoulder. It was Callie. She pulled him into a hug too.

"I can't believe this is happening", she said.

She was crying too. When Mark looked around the room he could see there were a lot of tears. Meredith's eyes were filled with them, though she was obviously fighting to keep them from flowing. April didn't have the will to keep from crying, she was just standing helplessly letting the tears run like a waterfall without any attempt to wipe them away. Derek was close to crying. Derek never cried. Even Bailey was on the verge of tears.

It took Mark several minutes to collect himself from the shock, and when he did both Altman and the oncologist had left. He wiped his eyes dry and turned to his friends.

"Can I ask you for something?" he said shakily.

He was answered by several nods.

"I don't want to tell Lexie", he said sadly. "The surgery was successful, that's all she needs to know. She can still have a little hope left. Please."

Derek smiled a little.

"Of course", he nodded. "We could all use some of that. Let her keep her hopes up for as long as she can."

* * *

When Lexie began to stir Mark leaned forward and kissed her head.

"Morning beautiful", he said.

Her eyes fluttered open and he forced a smile for her. She looked around as if to take in the environment. Then, a big smile spread across her face.

"I'm alive!" she sighed and inhaled deeply. "Did the surgery work?"

He nodded in reassurance.

"It worked", he smiled. "The tumor is gone."

Her smile was so bright and happy, it never seemed to fade away. He realized that he would never be able to tell her the truth. Now that the lie had begun he would just have to continue it until she figured out herself those dreadful news that were spinning in his mind. She didn't have any more chances, there was nothing more to do. This was it, the end for her.


	13. Chapter 13

**I realize it's been a long time, but I said I'd finish it and I will!**

* * *

Mark never left her room. He was the first thing she saw when she woke up, he held her hand every night when she fell asleep. He made interns bring them something edible every now and then so that he wouldn't starve to death. Lexie loved him for caring so much, she really did, but she was starting to get desperate for him to leave the room.

"Mark", she said determinedly, making him look up from the charts he'd been reading.

"What?" he said with one of his enchanting smiles.

Only it was different from what it used to be. His smile now was like a shadow or a blurry reflection of before. He didn't think she noticed, but how could she not?

"You haven't seen your daughter for weeks", she said.

He looked confused.

"What are you talking about?" he said. "She was here just this morning. We played together with your Etch-A-Sketch."

"That's not what I mean", she sighed. "When was the last time you _really_ spent some time with her? Outside of the hospital. Not watching over me at the same time."

He smiled again.

"I don't mind spending time with the two of you at the same time. You're my favorite girls!"

He obviously didn't want to be convinced.

"I'm just saying", she continued. "That I think Sofia would appreciate it if you took her to the park or something for a change. It makes me feel bad that I'm taking all your time and attention away from her."

All of that was true of course, but mostly she just needed to say anything that would get him to leave.

He looked down at his feet, realizing she was right.

"How about", Lexie proposed. "you take her out of daycare this afternoon for a couple of hours. Have a nice time. You can go get ice cream together and fly a kite or maybe go swimming. I think it'd be good for the both of you. I'll be here when you get back and you can tell me all about it."

He waited a moment before he answered, looking at her with a gaze filled with both love and sadness.

"You'd be such a good mom", he said.

She couldn't help but to notice that he'd used the words "_you would"_ instead of "_you will"_.

"So you'll go then?" she asked him with impatience.

"I think I will", he said and leaned forward to kiss her.

When he pulled away she saw that his smile had more of it's former brightness.

"Okay, good bye!" she said, rushing him to leave.

"Right now?" he said. "Am I in a hurry?"

"Yes!" she smiled. "Sofia's waiting for you, now go!"

"Okay", he said shrugging his shoulders.

He stood up, put on his coat and turned to leave. In the doorway he stopped and looked at her.

"You really know how to convince people", he said. "See you later. You will get to hear about my thrilling adventures."

She waved at him and watched him leave. Then she waited a couple of minutes to make sure he wasn't coming back. As soon as she decided it was safe she pulled out her phone and quickly paged Meredith.

As she waited for her an anxious feeling built up inside her chest. She'd been holding it back for a long time, but Mark wasn't here now, so she had no excuse of putting it off.

Meredith entered the room running rather than walking. They all seemed to think that every time Lexie had something to say it was a matter of life and death, and it kind of was.

"You paged", Meredith stated, her eyes wide with worry. "Are you alright? Where's Mark?"

"Spill it to me."

Lexie didn't care to answer her questions. She looked at her sister with a serious expression.

"What?"

Either she didn't comprehend or she was pretending to be clueless. Lexie sighed and tried to swallow that awful feeling of horror and pain.

"I'm dying, aren't I?" she asked.

She fixed her gaze at Meredith's eyes, telling her she wasn't backing down. She was going to get answers.

Meredith looked like she'd peen punched in the chest. At first she just stood there, frozen. Then she looked away, her eyes wandering around like she was trying to come up with a good answer. Then she seemed to realize she'd waited too long to deny the question, so she went at it from another angle.

"What makes you say that?" she asked.

"My question first", Lexie said determinedly. "Am I dying?"

It was like Meredith's whole spirit sank to the bottom. Her shoulders dropped and her gaze sank to the floor. When she looked up again Lexie could see tears in her eyes.

"Yeah", she tried to say, but her voice was no more than a whisper so she cleared her throat and took a few steps towards the bed. "Yes, Lexie. You're going to die."

She'd strongly suspected it. She'd tried to prepare herself for it, and yet hearing those words made her blood turn to ice. It took her breath away and it made her feel sick.

"I'm sorry", Meredith mumbled.

Lexie couldn't bring herself to answer. She didn't understand how she could cope with this.

"Lex?" Meredith asked worriedly and took the last steps towards the bed. "You have to breathe", she said and put a hand on her shoulder. "Just take a breath."

Finally the spell broke and Lexie inhaled rapidly. As reality caught up with her she was filled with a sudden rage.

"You could have told me!" she yelled and pushed Meredith away with what little strength her body could handle these days. "I'm not a child! I think I have the right to know!"

"I know", Meredith said. "I know."

"So why didn't you?" Lexie yelled.

"It was Mark", she answered. "He wanted you to be happy for as long as possible."

At the mention of Mark her anger faded away and all that was left was a numb and hollow feeling of sadness. Holding back the tears was not possible any more.

She fell into silent sobs, still fighting to breathe normally. It felt like a new tumor suddenly filled her lungs. For all she knew that might be completely true.

The pressure on her chest was slightly relieved when she felt Meredith's arms around her. This time she didn't try to push her away. Right now, the only comfort she had was this consoling embrace.

It took her a good 15 minutes before the sobs stopped. She took a deep breath and calmed herself down. Then she sat up straighter, leaning on the pillows behind her, and looked at Meredith who was still sitting beside her.

"Will I make it 'til thanksgiving?" she asked weakly.

Meredith flinched at the question, obviously hating every second she had to talk about it.

"That's only a month away", she said, trying to sound positive. "Of course you will."

"Okay", she whispered and nodded reassured. "What about my birthday?"

Meredith's silence spoke for itself. She looked at her hands before turning her head to Lexie.

"No."

"I'll never be older than 27?" she asked with a voice still shaking with tears.

"No. you won't."

* * *

As soon as she'd left the room Meredith paged both Derek and Mark in panic. Derek showed up pretty fast.

"Was going on?" he asked.

"Lexie knows", she sighed.

Derek nodded in understanding.

"I paged Mark too, but apparently Lexie got him to take Sofia to the park. He said he'd be here in five."

"Is it really that bad that she knows?" Derek asked. "Doesn't she have the right to?"

"Of course she does", she answered. "I'm mostly just worried what Mark's gonna say. It was his idea after all."

"It will be fine", he said comfortingly.

"No it won't", she mumbled. "She's going to die."

Derek looked at her with sympathy mixed with his own sadness. At that moment, Mark came running down the hallway.

"Did something happen?" he asked.

"Yes", Meredith said, fearing his reaction. "Lexie found out we've lied to her."

Mark looked accusingly at her.

"You told her?" he said in anger. "I told you not to!"

"I didn't tell her", Meredith defended herself. "She figured it out on her own and then she asked me directly if she was dying. What was I supposed to say? I don't lie that well! And besides, withholding the truth is one thing, but telling a lie straight to her face is something completely different!"

"Mark", Derek said in an attempt to calm his friend down. "I don't think this is really about you not wanting her to find out. I think it's more about you not wanting it to be true. But trust me, this doesn't make it any more true than it already was."

Mark gave him a long look but then finally gave in and looked away.

"I guess I should have told her, shouldn't I?" he asked dejectedly.

"We all should have", Derek said. "How about you go talk to her now instead?"

"Yeah", Mark answered and took off towards her room.

* * *

"Hey."

He'd stopped in the doorway, not sure why he was suddenly shy to see her. Now that the secret was out he felt guilty for keeping it from her.

She didn't answer him. She just looked at him with big, sad, brown eyes. He could see that she'd been crying, and it made him feel even worse. Sometimes he was so caught up in his own grief and misery that he forgot how absolutely terrifying this must be for her.

When they'd been silent for too long he decided he should be the one to speak again.

"I just wanted you to be happy", he explained sadly. "You don't have much time left and I wanted to let you be happy these last couple of months. Someone like you deserves all the happiness in the world, and it breaks my heart that I can't give you that."

He could see her tearing up again at his words and he finally dared to walk up to her and pull her into his arms.

"I'm so sorry", he whispered.

"I want this to be over", she cried.

"I know", he whispered back and rubbed her back.

It scared him to feel how much weight she'd lost, there was barely anything left of her anymore. The battle was coming to an end.


End file.
